Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)

Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)
Originally uploaded by n69n

NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)
#104 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.
Dedicated to Natalia Petrzela, Dennis Allen Beltran and Francesco Scavullo.

In every intenSati class, I have some kind of emotional growth, revelation or breakthrough, but its always in Natalia's class that blocked memories bubble to the surface.
Enough of them have come to light that I see how a narrative, other than my own, has been guiding (more like "bludgeoning") me through life.
Thought I was such a rebel but I was still shadowboxing expectations, being controlled by someone else's story.
Even though I thought I was so wild and free, it was all in RE-action to the fucked-up programming I received growing up.
And its not about blame; it's about untangling myself.
What I learn from these memories is... IT WASN'T ME.
IT'S *NOT* ME. I am NOT fundamentally fucked-up.
I've honestly believed all my life that I was, that it was my MAIN PERSONALITY TRAIT.
That I was born "fucked-up"... just like having brown eyes.
My role in the family was "designated fuck-up", and its crazy to see how that has played out, how unconsciously I have TACKLED that role with GUSTO.
How, in my family, "artist"="bum", and how deeply I've internalized that way of thinking... a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How I've never had respect for myself, and never expected anyone else to, either.
How so much of my life has been underground, off the books, always afraid of being exposed as a fraud, never having the courage to stand in sunlight.
How I've always thought of myself more as a Gas than a Solid.

Natalia's series this month has been about RESILIENCE, and last week, the song NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH) came on while we were doing the STRONG move.
I saw the words ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH build up in the form of a wall in front of me.
Graffiti'd on the wall were all the reasons why I don't deserve love, why I don't deserve success, why I don't deserve help. I was punching holes in the wall, and it was crashing down around me.
I am deep in the process of re-writing my story. Maybe it is too late in the game for me to achieve success here in NYC, and I am so sad that it has taken me this long in life to realize that I can LIVE in my body, not HIDE in it.
I have every right to breathe air and take up space; I don't need to live my life as if I'm apologizing for it.

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Donna Summer - LIVE AND MORE

Donna Summer - LIVE AND MORE
Originally uploaded by n69n

LIVE AND MORE
#103 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.

I vividly remember late nights, lying on the floor in Mama's room (the only room with AC), listening to that ol' plastic woodgrain AM clock radio. I was hypnotized by the imagery of MACARTHUR PARK, and thought it the highest possible human aspiration to lose oneself in a 26 minute disco fantasia.

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Sylvia - PILLOW TALK

Sylvia - PILLOW TALK
Originally uploaded by n69n

PILLOW TALK
#102 in my RECORD COLLECTION series

When I first heard Sylvia's PILLOW TALK, I was scandalized.
Like most young perverts, I often overcompensated by acting out as a big prude, and playing dumb with any references to sexuality.
Now I recognize PILLOW TALK as a manifesto!

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BLONDIE - AUTOAMERICAN™

BLONDIE - AUTOAMERICAN™
Originally uploaded by n69n

AUTOAMERICAN™
#100 in my RECORD COLLECTION series

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Wanda Coleman - HIGH PRIESTESS OF WORD

Wanda Coleman - HIGH PRIESTESS OF WORD
Originally uploaded by n69n

HIGH PRIESTESS OF WORD
#99 in my RECORD COLLECTION series

Dr.Nina Simone was known as The High Priestess of Soul, and there's a reason Wanda Coleman's moniker echoes hers.
Wanda Coleman tells stories of realness.
Of kids sent to the liquor store. Of fat girls who like to fuck. Of finding yourself trapped in a system that never expected you to be smart or talented.

"They will make you PAY 'til paying feels like PRIVILEGE"

Wanda's words tell of growing up in 1960's LA, giving a full picture of civil rights, sexual awakening, music that mattered, Vietnam, making the political personal. You will learn new levels of empathy from The High Priestess Of Word.

"If you so smart, why ain't you RICH?!?!"

Those words have haunted Wanda all her life, and I identify. Why do we let the financial failures trump all of our other successes?
While I was drawing Wanda Coleman, I heard the negative voice in my head say, "Why are you drawing Wanda? You've only ever met 4 other people in the world who even know who she is. Who is this gonna resonate with? Why bother if no one knows who she is?"

& that is precisely WHY I had to include Wanda Coleman; because people SHOULD know about her. If I don't honor her, who will?

And it's an affirmation that I am not in this for the money; I am in it to tell the truth.

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Elis Regina & Antonio Carlos Jobim - ELIS & TOM

Elis Regina & Antonio Carlos Jobim - ELIS & TOM
Originally uploaded by n69n

ELIS & TOM
#98 in my RECORD COLLECTION series

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Björk - VOLTA

Björk - VOLTA
Originally uploaded by n69n

VOLTA
#97 in my RECORD COLLECTION series

I don't know if its fair to include VOLTA in this series; its still a relatively new album, and only time will tell its influence on me.
The song WANDERLUST has already made a difference in my life; not traveling outwards, but inwards, searching deeper. When I spill my guts in my writing, that's part of it; always seeing how close to the bone I dare to cut. Honesty as extreme sport. It becomes addictive.

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