LA LUPE - THE QUEEN DOES HER OWN THING

LA LUPE - THE QUEEN DOES HER OWN THING
Originally uploaded by n69n

THE QUEEN DOES HER OWN THING
#110 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.
Dedicated to Jose C. Cabezas, Pedro Apocalypto, Michael Espinoza & Raul K Rios.

La Lupe is pure drama unleashed, the thrill of no internal editor.
Strutting out of the building as it explodes in flames behind you.
Passion with no need, thought or care for justification.

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CLAUDINE CLARK - PARTY LIGHTS

CLAUDINE CLARK - PARTY LIGHTS
Originally uploaded by n69n

PARTY LIGHTS
#109 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.

PARTY LIGHTS is the manifesto of everyone who's been stuck on The Outside looking In, wanting so much to be a part of that World. We've all experienced the pain of being shut out, absolutely believing that those on The Inside are having so much more fun than us on The Outside, that they have more VALUE.
I used to long to be one of The Beautiful People, to go to parties, live a life of glamor. But the closer I got, the more meaningless I saw it was; the real thrill & satisfaction is in the actual WORK, and that must necessarily be done in solitude. The true creative person is the one who makes their own parties, who incorporates fun as part of their process. So you are not waiting for compensation or an Invitation to The Party, you are manifesting it yourself. The Deed is its own Reward. The Journey, not the Destination; The meal, not The Menu.

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Joy Division - LOVE WILL TEAR US APART

Joy Division - LOVE WILL TEAR US APART
Originally uploaded by n69n

LOVE WILL TEAR US APART
#108 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.
Dedicated to Paul Darling & Gunther Vander Ding Dong.

Sometimes it may seem like I'm overdoing it in my fitness pursuits; the truth is I'm trying to outrun depression.
NewsFlash: I get in deep, dark, self-destructive moods that seem as if they'll last forever. It's important to stay in motion; if I lose my momentum, The Darkness catches up & overwhelms me.
And, knowing myself, if I make such an investment of time & energy into my physical body, there is less danger I will hurt it.
Plus, I get a perverse pleasure from being in disguise as a gym person; people who like the music, art, film & books I like aren't "supposed" to look this healthy. I LOVE my workout friends, but while they were listening to NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK, I was listening to JOY DIVISION... so as much as we care about each other, we're always gonna be from different worlds.

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Alberta Hunter - THE GLORY OF ALBERTA HUNTER

Alberta Hunter - THE GLORY OF ALBERTA HUNTER
Originally uploaded by n69n

THE GLORY OF ALBERTA HUNTER
#107 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.

When I think of the happiness, kindness & comfort Alberta Hunter spread across the world in her 89 years on Earth, I am sure she must've been some kind of more highly evolved being.
Maybe "ALBERTA HUNTER" is the highest status one can achieve on The Earthly Plane before gettin' off The Karmic Wheel altogether.

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Marianne Faithfull - BLAZING AWAY

Marianne Faithfull - BLAZING AWAY
Originally uploaded by n69n

BLAZING AWAY
#106 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.

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Grace Jones - FAME

Grace Jones - FAME
Originally uploaded by n69n

FAME
#105 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.
Dedicated to Richard Bernstein.

In 8th grade, we took a class trip to Raleigh.
It was really the first city I'd seen since my parents had picked up & moved us from St. Petersburg, FL to the backwoods of Balsam, NC.
I was so excited! It seemed anything could happen!
Maybe someone would "discover" me & I would never have to go back home!
But my biggest anticipation was to go RECORD SHOPPING!!!!!
This was long before internet or being able to just order up any record you might want. This was when you had to EARN your music.
I didn't have any kind of 'informed' taste, I just looked for cover art that intrigued me,
CAMELOT MUSIC in some North Carolina Mall; that's were I first found Ms Grace Jones.
I didn't really know who she was, but Richard Bernstein's cover of FAME hit me on such a deep elemental, undeniably GAY level, I knew I had to get it!
I was a a kid stuck in the hillbilly hills, with no clue how to break out, and I was desperate for direction.
I STUDIED that record.... "A TOM MOULTON MIX"... I didn't know what it meant, but it sounded erotic!

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Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)

Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)
Originally uploaded by n69n

NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)
#104 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.
Dedicated to Natalia Petrzela, Dennis Allen Beltran and Francesco Scavullo.

In every intenSati class, I have some kind of emotional growth, revelation or breakthrough, but its always in Natalia's class that blocked memories bubble to the surface.
Enough of them have come to light that I see how a narrative, other than my own, has been guiding (more like "bludgeoning") me through life.
Thought I was such a rebel but I was still shadowboxing expectations, being controlled by someone else's story.
Even though I thought I was so wild and free, it was all in RE-action to the fucked-up programming I received growing up.
And its not about blame; it's about untangling myself.
What I learn from these memories is... IT WASN'T ME.
IT'S *NOT* ME. I am NOT fundamentally fucked-up.
I've honestly believed all my life that I was, that it was my MAIN PERSONALITY TRAIT.
That I was born "fucked-up"... just like having brown eyes.
My role in the family was "designated fuck-up", and its crazy to see how that has played out, how unconsciously I have TACKLED that role with GUSTO.
How, in my family, "artist"="bum", and how deeply I've internalized that way of thinking... a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How I've never had respect for myself, and never expected anyone else to, either.
How so much of my life has been underground, off the books, always afraid of being exposed as a fraud, never having the courage to stand in sunlight.
How I've always thought of myself more as a Gas than a Solid.

Natalia's series this month has been about RESILIENCE, and last week, the song NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH) came on while we were doing the STRONG move.
I saw the words ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH build up in the form of a wall in front of me.
Graffiti'd on the wall were all the reasons why I don't deserve love, why I don't deserve success, why I don't deserve help. I was punching holes in the wall, and it was crashing down around me.
I am deep in the process of re-writing my story. Maybe it is too late in the game for me to achieve success here in NYC, and I am so sad that it has taken me this long in life to realize that I can LIVE in my body, not HIDE in it.
I have every right to breathe air and take up space; I don't need to live my life as if I'm apologizing for it.

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