Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)
Originally uploaded by n69nNO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)
#104 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.
Dedicated to Natalia Petrzela, Dennis Allen Beltran and Francesco Scavullo.
In every intenSati class, I have some kind of emotional growth, revelation or breakthrough, but its always in Natalia's class that blocked memories bubble to the surface.
Enough of them have come to light that I see how a narrative, other than my own, has been guiding (more like "bludgeoning") me through life.
Thought I was such a rebel but I was still shadowboxing expectations, being controlled by someone else's story.
Even though I thought I was so wild and free, it was all in RE-action to the fucked-up programming I received growing up.
And its not about blame; it's about untangling myself.
What I learn from these memories is... IT WASN'T ME.
IT'S *NOT* ME. I am NOT fundamentally fucked-up.
I've honestly believed all my life that I was, that it was my MAIN PERSONALITY TRAIT.
That I was born "fucked-up"... just like having brown eyes.
My role in the family was "designated fuck-up", and its crazy to see how that has played out, how unconsciously I have TACKLED that role with GUSTO.
How, in my family, "artist"="bum", and how deeply I've internalized that way of thinking... a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How I've never had respect for myself, and never expected anyone else to, either.
How so much of my life has been underground, off the books, always afraid of being exposed as a fraud, never having the courage to stand in sunlight.
How I've always thought of myself more as a Gas than a Solid.
Natalia's series this month has been about RESILIENCE, and last week, the song NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH) came on while we were doing the STRONG move.
I saw the words ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH build up in the form of a wall in front of me.
Graffiti'd on the wall were all the reasons why I don't deserve love, why I don't deserve success, why I don't deserve help. I was punching holes in the wall, and it was crashing down around me.
I am deep in the process of re-writing my story. Maybe it is too late in the game for me to achieve success here in NYC, and I am so sad that it has taken me this long in life to realize that I can LIVE in my body, not HIDE in it.
I have every right to breathe air and take up space; I don't need to live my life as if I'm apologizing for it.
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