Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Originally uploaded by n69n

#107 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.

When I think of the happiness, kindness & comfort Alberta Hunter spread across the world in her 89 years on Earth, I am sure she must've been some kind of more highly evolved being.
Maybe "ALBERTA HUNTER" is the highest status one can achieve on The Earthly Plane before gettin' off The Karmic Wheel altogether.

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Marianne Faithfull - BLAZING AWAY

Marianne Faithfull - BLAZING AWAY
Originally uploaded by n69n

#106 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.

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Grace Jones - FAME

Grace Jones - FAME
Originally uploaded by n69n

#105 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.
Dedicated to Richard Bernstein.

In 8th grade, we took a class trip to Raleigh.
It was really the first city I'd seen since my parents had picked up & moved us from St. Petersburg, FL to the backwoods of Balsam, NC.
I was so excited! It seemed anything could happen!
Maybe someone would "discover" me & I would never have to go back home!
But my biggest anticipation was to go RECORD SHOPPING!!!!!
This was long before internet or being able to just order up any record you might want. This was when you had to EARN your music.
I didn't have any kind of 'informed' taste, I just looked for cover art that intrigued me,
CAMELOT MUSIC in some North Carolina Mall; that's were I first found Ms Grace Jones.
I didn't really know who she was, but Richard Bernstein's cover of FAME hit me on such a deep elemental, undeniably GAY level, I knew I had to get it!
I was a a kid stuck in the hillbilly hills, with no clue how to break out, and I was desperate for direction.
I STUDIED that record.... "A TOM MOULTON MIX"... I didn't know what it meant, but it sounded erotic!

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Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)

Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH)
Originally uploaded by n69n

#104 in my RECORD COLLECTION series.
Dedicated to Natalia Petrzela, Dennis Allen Beltran and Francesco Scavullo.

In every intenSati class, I have some kind of emotional growth, revelation or breakthrough, but its always in Natalia's class that blocked memories bubble to the surface.
Enough of them have come to light that I see how a narrative, other than my own, has been guiding (more like "bludgeoning") me through life.
Thought I was such a rebel but I was still shadowboxing expectations, being controlled by someone else's story.
Even though I thought I was so wild and free, it was all in RE-action to the fucked-up programming I received growing up.
And its not about blame; it's about untangling myself.
What I learn from these memories is... IT WASN'T ME.
IT'S *NOT* ME. I am NOT fundamentally fucked-up.
I've honestly believed all my life that I was, that it was my MAIN PERSONALITY TRAIT.
That I was born "fucked-up"... just like having brown eyes.
My role in the family was "designated fuck-up", and its crazy to see how that has played out, how unconsciously I have TACKLED that role with GUSTO.
How, in my family, "artist"="bum", and how deeply I've internalized that way of thinking... a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How I've never had respect for myself, and never expected anyone else to, either.
How so much of my life has been underground, off the books, always afraid of being exposed as a fraud, never having the courage to stand in sunlight.
How I've always thought of myself more as a Gas than a Solid.

Natalia's series this month has been about RESILIENCE, and last week, the song NO MORE TEARS (ENOUGH IS ENOUGH) came on while we were doing the STRONG move.
I saw the words ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IS ENOUGH build up in the form of a wall in front of me.
Graffiti'd on the wall were all the reasons why I don't deserve love, why I don't deserve success, why I don't deserve help. I was punching holes in the wall, and it was crashing down around me.
I am deep in the process of re-writing my story. Maybe it is too late in the game for me to achieve success here in NYC, and I am so sad that it has taken me this long in life to realize that I can LIVE in my body, not HIDE in it.
I have every right to breathe air and take up space; I don't need to live my life as if I'm apologizing for it.

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